'Better than reality'
by starfruit
Summary: Rimmer and Kochanski are in love - but it's not that simple.
1. Chapter.1

'Better than reality'  
  
  
  
Disclaimer: None of the Red Dwarf characters are mine : (  
  
Neither is Spam, and if it was mine, you could have it.  
  
A.N –Hi, this is one of my first fan-fics so please r & r- tell me what you think 'cos I can take 'constructive criticism'. (any flamers will be slapped with a wet fish!)  
  
It is set after the dwarfers are out of the brig. After 'Only the good die young'. (series 8). Okay, here goes…  
  
'Kryten -that was disgustin'! Worse than that space weevil and salad you gave me. I hate salad, you know I hate salad. That was worse though! What is it?'  
  
Lister wiped the last of the 'meat' from his mouth and turned to face Kryten.  
  
'Well?'  
  
'It was, 'Spam' sir.'  
  
'Spam? What on earth is spam?'  
  
'It's a kind of, well – meat I suppose.'  
  
'If that's meat, I'm a deranged super-hero gerbil.' Lister went off to the medi-bay in search of some mouthwash while Kryten cleared up the plates.  
  
'Hey buddy! What you been cooking? The Cat walked in and looked hopefully at Kryten. 'What you been cooking? Can I have some?'  
  
Kryten slammed down the plates of half eaten Spam burgers in front of the Cat, and went off to do some ironing. Even Kryten got a bit narked sometimes.  
  
* * *  
  
  
  
It was 2 years after the nanobots had resurrected Red Dwarf. After Rimmer had 'cheated death' (literally) he had managed to cross over into the mirror universe after the others. In the mirror universe Lister, Rimmer, Kryten, Kochanski and the Cat had never been put in the brig. They were back to normal. Lister and Kochanski had got back together only a few months ago, Kryten loved cooking, cleaning and ironing for hundreds of people. Cat had his suits, and an extra room for them all, and Rimmer was trying to pass the astronavigation exam – yet again.  
  
* * *  
  
Kochanski was lying on her bunk reading, when Rimmer stormed in, his nostrils flaring. He was obviously upset about something Kochanski thought to herself as she put her book down.  
  
'Have you seen Lister?' he snapped.  
  
'Dave? No, I think he's gone to the bar with Peterson.'  
  
'Well when you see him, tell him that I'm going to kill him, and that his death will be as slow and as painful as an operation on the NHS.'  
  
'O.K, anything else?' Kochanski said as casually as she could, she was trying not to giggle.'  
  
'Yes.' Rimmer paused. 'Can I revise in your quarters?'  
  
'Sure.' Kochanski picked up 'Jane Eyre' again.  
  
'Thanks.' Rimmer sat down and starting making some notes. 'Holly's been wanting to play charades using just his nose and I haven't got time. He won't leave me alone.'  
  
'So when's your exam?' Kochanski flicked over another page.  
  
'4:00.'  
  
'Today? You've only got two hours.'  
  
'I know.' Rimmer's face fell. 'I'm going to fail – again. I'll never be an officer.'  
  
'Do you want me to help you revise?' Kochanski tilted her head to one side and tried not to sound like she was patronising him- she wanted to help him.  
  
'Oh would you?' Rimmer said gratefully. 'I mean – you passed your exam first time round.'  
  
Kochanski smiled and said, 'Only because I didn't spend 7 weeks drawing up my revision timetable. Right, how much have you revised so far?…  
  
During the two hours that followed, Rimmer revised harder than he had ever had before. Kochanski went patiently over everything he needed to know, and didn't mind explaining it over and over again. She fired questions at him, double-checked that he knew the basic principles of astronavigation, and helped him to relax. The hours just flew by. When Lister walked in – Kochanski and Rimmer hardly noticed him.  
  
'Hey'  
  
'So if the planet is…'  
  
'Hey' He wondered what the smeg Rimmer was doing in his girlfriends quarters.  
  
'Hi Dave, just give us 10 more minutes will you? We're just about done.'  
  
Rimmer cut in. 'No, I won't if that's okay with you Kris. I've got to get changed and get my stuff together. Thanks for helping me though.' Rimmer felt uncomfortable with Lister there. He collected his books and walked towards the door.  
  
'Good luck, you'll do fine!' Kochanski walked over and kissed Rimmer on the cheek. Rimmer nearly fell over – it was just a sign of friendship but still, she'd never done anything like that before.  
  
'Th…thanks.' He walked out as Lister shouted,  
  
'Up, up, up the ziggeraut – lickety split!'  
  
The doors closed behind Rimmer and Kochanski turned to face Lister.  
  
'Why do you always have to be so mean to him?'  
  
'What does it matter? You know he'll never pass the smegging exam.'  
  
* * *  
  
Rimmer walked out of the exam in a daze. He hadn't passed out or written 'I am a fish'. Not once! More than that though, he had done well! He had remembered everything he had revised, and he had Kochanski to thank for that. In fact, he was going to thank her right now.  
  
Rimmer!! What the smeg are you doing here, we're busy!'  
  
And Rimmer could see that they were. Kochanski sat up in bed, and pulled the covers over her.  
  
'How did it go?'  
  
'Fine – thank you. I'll erm…tell you later.'  
  
As Rimmer turned to go, Kochanski climbed down from the top bunk, pulling the sheets with her, leaving Lister to reach for an old pair of boxers.  
  
'No, tell me now. Did you remember what I told you about the size of a planet, and the orbit?'  
  
'Yes, I remembered, everything. Everything you told me. I think I may have passed. Not with flying colours of course but I think I may have scraped in.'  
  
'Oh good, glad I could help. Tell me when you get the results- yeah?'  
  
'Oh, okay.' Rimmer couldn't help but getting distracted, he was looking between Kochanski, wrapped in the bedcovers, and Lister lying in his bunk waiting for Rimmer to go so that he and Kochanski could 'finish'.  
  
'I've, erm, got to get…back.'  
  
'Okay – well, well done!'  
  
Rimmer walked back to his quarters all the while thinking how true it was that when one part of your life starts to go right, another part gets buggered up. How come Lister always got the girl? He didn't deserve Kochanski. She was an officer, he was the lowest ranking person on the ship. It just wasn't right.  
  
* * *  
  
When Kochanski went to see Rimmer later that night he was arranging his underwear on clothes hangers in his wardrobe. Rimmer hastily shut the door as he saw her enter.  
  
He was surprised to see Kristine Kochanski in his quarters wearing just a nightie.  
  
'Kristine, what are you doing here?' Rimmer no longer called her 'Miss Kochanski ma'am. After all Lister, Rimmer, Kryten, Kochanski and Cat had gone through together, she was more of a friend than an officer to him.  
  
She smiled. Her 'pinball' smile Lister used to call it. Because it lit up her whole face. Now Rimmer could see what he meant.  
  
'Dave's playing his guitar in my room, and that's something we both hate.'  
  
'You and Lister?'  
  
'No! You and me.' She smiled again, and tucked a bit of her hair behind her ear. 'I'm glad the exam went well. Dave's been making jokes about it all afternoon, but I'm glad you passed.'  
  
'Nothing's certain yet.' Rimmer was confused at all the attention Kochanski was giving him. And did she really think she'd passed?  
  
'Do you want to play Risk?' Rimmer cursed himself immediately afterwards for saying such a stupid thing.  
  
'No thanks, but I was wondering if…Oh no, actually it's okay.'  
  
'No, what?'  
  
'Could I sleep here tonight?'  
  
'Sleep here? Tonight? With me. In the same bed…I mean room. In the same  
  
bed-room?'  
  
Kochanski smiled. 'Yes, well with Dave in my room, the top bunk is free. Could I use that tonight? Dave's probably collapsed – blind drunk with all of his mates. I can't go back in there. It's nearly 12:00 you see, and I've got an early shift.  
  
'Oh, alright. Well, feel free! I've got to work tomorrow too.'  
  
It was at this point that Holly's face popped up on the screen.  
  
Rimmer snapped, 'look Holly, before you say a word, no I do not want to play charades using just my nose – O.K?'  
  
'I wasn't gonna ask that. Just saying 'hi' that was all.' Holly looked at Kochanski climbing into Lister's bunk. 'I suppose you're used to the smell.'  
  
'Yes…ugh.' Kochanski brushed poppadom shards out of the sheets.  
  
Holly sniggered, 'and what about Dave's bunk?'  
  
Kochanski giggled. 'Lights off please Holly.'  
  
'He doesn't like me you know.' Said Rimmer.  
  
Kochanski and Rimmer lay there for a bit, silently.  
  
'Goodnight Arnold.'  
  
Rimmer tried to take in the events of the day. Kristine Kochanski was lying asleep, directly above him, she liked him, and he had done well in his exam.  
  
Unbe-smegging-lievable or what?  
  
  
  
To be continued, more coming soon. Please r & r. 


	2. 'Break-up'

'Better than reality'  
  
Disclaimer etc, in first chapter.  
  
A.N – Thanks to all of you who reviewed.  
  
* * *  
  
When Rimmer woke up – all he could hear was bouncing about on the top bunk above him. The bedsprings were squeaking like mad.  
  
'Oh smeg.' He mumbled, still half-asleep. Didn't Lister and Kochanski at least have the common decency to tell him to bugger off before they started shagging?  
  
'Couldn't you do that somewhere else?' he stood up, and to his surprise found not Lister and Kochanski, but Kryten.  
  
'I'm sorry sir?'  
  
'Oh it's you. I thought it was…'  
  
'Mister Lister? Well so did I.'  
  
'Remind me again why you're here?'  
  
The droid looked sheepish. 'Well you see…I was looking for Mister Lister, and Miss Kochanski.'  
  
He paused. 'It's so unfair!'  
  
Rimmer looked smegged off, 'what is?'  
  
'He likes her better than me because she has…all those in and out bits that you humans like so much.' Kryten climbed down from the bunk where he had been searching the bed-sheets for any trace of Kochanski.  
  
'Kryten smeg off will you?'  
  
'Right away sir!'  
  
As Kryten left, Rimmer looked at his watch. 'Smeg! It's 11:00 already.' He hurried into his uniform and ran down the corridor. He hoped Captain Hollister didn't order a mini-mars bar. He'd get a cupful of cold baked beans if he did. Rimmer still hadn't fixed the vending machines on C-deck. As he went down the corridor he bumped into Kochanski.  
  
'Morning,' Kochanski didn't look like she had been up since 6 o' clock. She was one of the few lucky people who didn't mind mornings.  
  
A sudden thought struck Rimmer, 'Why didn't you wake me?'  
  
'Oh, sorry. But you looked so cute lying there, sleeping like a baby!' A few officers, including Todhunter walked by and laughed as they heard this.' 'Got to go, see you later Arnold.'  
  
  
  
* * *  
  
Kryten stood with his ear next to the door of Kochanski's quarters.  
  
'Dave, this relationship is not going anywhere.'  
  
There was a pause and then.  
  
'Well it won't if you dump me.'  
  
A sigh. 'I don't think we should break up Dave, I just think that if we went on a…temporary trial separation for a bit then we could…'  
  
'Oh this just gets better and better! We go on a break, you go off with that officer bloke Tim – then we split up. Am I right?'  
  
Now time for 'sarcastic mode' Kryten thought to himself.  
  
'Yes Dave, you're right. You're always right aren't you?'  
  
And Kryten didn't have time to jump out of the way as Kochanski stormed out.  
  
'I suppose you heard all of that Kryten?' said Kochanski, with tears in her eyes.  
  
'No ma'am! Lie mode cancel. I was just cleaning the wall.'  
  
'Well don't let me stop you.'  
  
* * *  
  
Rimmer walked into his quarters later that afternoon. A full day of cleaning chicken-soup machines and bossing Lister around. 'Actually, he thought to himself as he got out his book,' (How to make women like you.) 'Lister wasn't that bad today, much quieter.' As he turned to page 26 (Flirting – reading the signs) he heard a noise come from inside the shower. He put down his book and opened the shower door. Sitting there was Kochanski, she was crying and was trying to cover up loud sobs.  
  
'Kristine?'  
  
'Oh…Arnold…' Another choked back cry.  
  
Without saying a word Rimmer sat down beside her and closed the shower door. They sat there for a few moments. Rimmer was too embarrassed to say anything and Kochanski was trying to stop crying. Finally, Rimmer broke the silence, 'How long have you been in here?'  
  
Kochanski managed to reply, 'Only an hour. I was in the drive room and Captain Hollister said that I should go back to my quarters to have a rest.'  
  
'Why did he say that?'  
  
'Because I was really angry, and kept mashing up the paper cups from the water cooler. Then I came back here and started crying.'  
  
'Well what's got you so upset?'  
  
Kochanski flung her arms round Rimmer and put her head on his shoulder. Rimmer turned red.  
  
'Me and Dave, we…we've broken up.'  
  
Rimmer held Kochanski as she started crying again. All the while thinking, is that all? They've broken up? So? He racked his brains, trying to think of something he could say to comfort her. He drew a blank.  
  
He felt for a tissue, but didn't have one on him. But he had a chocolate bar. He was going to have it for lunch but had forgotten about it. Feeling stupid, he offered it to Kochanski. 'You…want this?'  
  
Her eyes lit up. 'Thanks.'  
  
'Of course!' thought Rimmer, that's what most women did when they broke up, ate chocolate, and cried for a bit. Men just got pissed out of their heads, then cried.  
  
'So, he dumped you?'  
  
'No.' Pause. 'I dumped him, well I didn't exactly dump him – just suggested that we went on a break. He took it the wrong way of course.'  
  
Rimmer noticed that towards the end of that sentence Kochanski had stopped crying. She was more like her usual self now.  
  
'Thanks for that Arnold, I'm a bit better now, I think I should go back to work. Do I look a mess?'  
  
Rimmer looked at Kochanski's smudged mascara, her untidy hair that was sticking in bits to her face. 'You, a mess? Never!'  
  
Kochanski laughed, 'Well, I might go have a bath first.'  
  
Rimmer and Kochanski stood up at the same time – and found themselves standing directly opposite each other, their faces only a few inches apart.  
  
Kochanski leaned over and kissed Rimmer on the cheek. It was different to all the other 'friendly' kisses like before. This was more passionate. Rimmer leaned back and kissed her on the lips.  
  
Kochanski looked up at him. 'I think I should go.'  
  
She left without saying another word. Rimmer watched her go, trying to think of something to say, but he was too confused. Did she like him? Or was she just leading him on? Was she still with Lister? Should he have kissed her?  
  
Did he love her?  
  
* * *  
  
'Cat?'  
  
'What?'  
  
'You haven't seen Krissy have you?'  
  
'Not lately.'  
  
'Oh, just we had a bit of an argument and…'  
  
Cat looked ecstatic, he fancied Kochanski like mad, even though there were loads of other women on board. 'You had a fight?'  
  
'Yeh.'  
  
'Was it a biggy?'  
  
'No.'  
  
'Oh, well when it is, tell me.'  
  
'Smeg off will you Cat?'  
  
  
  
* * *  
  
Rimmer was sitting at his desk that night, thinking. Lister had gone off to drown his sorrows with Selby, Chen and Peterson at the bar.  
  
Rimmer was just thinking how he should have at least finished page 26 before he made a move when Kochanski walked in.  
  
Rimmer stood up, 'Look Kristine, about before…'  
  
But Kochanski shook her head. 'Don't apologise.' And she kissed him right back.  
  
'But I thought that…'  
  
'Yeh but I…'  
  
'But you and…'  
  
'I like you a lot…'  
  
'Do you? What about…'  
  
'No, we broke up…'  
  
'Oh, then why…'  
  
But neither of them got their sentences finished, they were too busy kissing, and holding each other like they would never let go.  
  
* * *  
  
Rimmer woke up in his bunk the next morning, next to Kochanski. He couldn't believe it! It had happened!  
  
'Morning.' Kochanski smiled.  
  
Rimmer put his arms round her shoulder and kissed her. 'Last night…you did want to didn't you? I mean, you've never liked me before so It was a…a shock to say the least.'  
  
Kochanski stared at him, completely taken aback. 'Oh, no Arnold, I did like you. But I couldn't really show it before – there was Dave, and…but I did like you.'  
  
'But with the whole Cassandra thing? You didn't seem so keen on me then.'  
  
'Well it was hardly the most romantic of times, I was waiting for the right moment to tell you.'  
  
'Why did you break up with Lister?'  
  
'Because of you…'  
  
Rimmer was shocked, he was happy, but totally totally gob-smacked.  
  
'Don't look so surprised!' Kochanski giggled.  
  
'But, but…?'  
  
'We weren't going anywhere, I knew he wouldn't commit, and he was quite happy to lie around in bed all day shagging, I know you're different.'  
  
'Well you might be wrong there!' Rimmer teased.  
  
She kissed him again, and just as they were ducking under the covers, the Cat walked in.  
  
He froze, the tips of his gleaming white fangs pointing out of his lip.  
  
'Good thing I'm only wearing my 32nd favourite suit.' He said after a while, 'cos I think I'm gonna throw up.'  
  
Kochanski and Rimmer stayed silent.  
  
Cat spun around – screaming, 'WAAAAAH!'  
  
'You!' he pointed to Rimmer, then at Kochanski, 'and Officer Bud Babe?'  
  
'Yes.' Said Rimmer. 'Me, and officer 'Bud Babe.'  
  
The Cat looked at Kochanski. 'If I'd known you were so desperate.' He said, sympathetically, 'I'd have made my move back on Starbug!'  
  
Kochanski smiled a fake smile and said, 'You know, you're right Cat. Maybe we should have sex sometime. Oh, and I hope you didn't mind me putting that red socks in with your whites…it's just the laundry basket was right there and…'  
  
But Cat had run off to check on his sparkly white socks he had washed the night before. Pink was *so* not this season.  
  
Kochanski kissed Rimmer again.  
  
'I've got to go and tell Dave about us before the Cat does.'  
  
Rimmer took Kochanski's hand. 'Stay. Cat will forget to mention it. In one ear and out the other, you know what he's like. It'll talke at least 3 hours to make sure his suits are okay.'  
  
But Kochanski shook her head. 'I'm going to make sure Dave takes it the right way.'  
  
'Of course he smegging won't!'  
  
'But I want him to hear it coming from me.'  
  
'Okay, do you want me to come with you?'  
  
Kochanski nodded. 'Yes, but first I'm going to have a bath.'  
  
She slipped on a dressing gown and walked towards the door.  
  
'Will you scrub my back?'  
  
* * * * * *  
  
A.N – That took me ages to type, hope you enjoyed it. Please please please review. Thanks. 


	3. Chapter.3

'Better than reality'  
  
Disclaimer – Red Dwarf, and all characters etc, etc, do not belong to me. Neither does Titanic, which I mention somewhere later…  
  
A.N – I *should* be revising for my science *and* my Spanish test, but I can't be bothered.  
  
* * * * *  
  
'That's not funny Kristine…' Lister stared at the two people in front of him.  
  
'It wasn't a joke Dave. I'm…we're serious.'  
  
Kochanski gratefully took the hand that Rimmer offered – and gripped it tightly.  
  
'But…oh come on Krissy! A joke's a joke but if you keep it up for too long, it's stupid.  
  
Lister moved towards to Kochanski and tried to kiss her – she turned away.  
  
Lister then looked at Rimmer.  
  
'Has she paid ya'? To say you're going out with each other? How much? 'Cos I can double it, if I double it and stop playing my guitar near you, then will you smeg off?'  
  
'Lister – we're going out. Just accept that will you?'  
  
'Dave, I'm sorry. I know it's all happened a bit fast but…'  
  
'Fast? You're smegging well right it's happened fast. We hadn't even broken up yet.'  
  
'Yes, we *had* Dave!' Kochanski shouted. 'We *had* broken up, and I *am* going out with Arnold – O.K?'  
  
Kochanski pulled Rimmer to her and kissed him – full on the lips to prove her point.  
  
'O.K!!' She screamed and pulled Rimmer out with her.  
  
Once outside in the corridor Rimmer shut his mouth, which had been gaping open in shock since Kochanski had kissed him, then made her dramatic exit.  
  
'I have *never* seen you do anything like that before.'  
  
'Well…' Kochanski shrugged. 'He always does this when we break up. Acts like he's the only guy in the world, and that we're meant to be together forever. He knows that we just aren't right for each other – he just can't accept it.'  
  
'You know, until the nanobots resurrected the crew – he *was* the only guy in the world.'  
  
'You know what I mean.'  
  
Rimmer put his arm round Kochanski's shoulders – 'Tell you what, I'll run you a nice hot bubble bath, and I'll find you the biggest tub of cottage cheese in the world, and the nicest pineapple chunks in deep space – then we can watch a video and have fantastic sex. O.K? Would that cheer you up?'  
  
Kochanski nodded. 'Low fat cottage cheese.'  
  
* * * * *  
  
*I'll never let go Jack!*  
  
Kochanski wiped a tear from her eye. 'I love this part!' Titanic always made her emotional.  
  
Rimmer and Kochanski were lying in bed together watching the film.  
  
Rimmer was also very emotional, but trying not to cry. He felt embarrassed crying in front of Kochanski. He felt he had to keep up the 'typically male' stereotype of not giving a damn about whether Jack or Rose died, or kissed etc. You'd think watching it for the 32nd time he would be used to the sad parts, but he was as touched by it as he had been the first time round. Even more so now that he understood what it was like to really love somebody.  
  
He hugged Kochanski, and for once in his life, was just thankful for being alive.  
  
* * *  
  
'Mister Lister?'  
  
No reply.  
  
'Mister Lister?'  
  
Silence.  
  
'Mister Lis…'  
  
'Yes Kryten, yes you can come in!! Fore smegs sakes Kryten, talk about bloody annoying.'  
  
'Oh.'  
  
Silence.  
  
'It's just that I brought you some waffles. I noticed you weren't at breakfast this morning and I just wondered if, em…so no waffles?'  
  
'No.'  
  
'Should I go?'  
  
'Please.'  
  
Kryten shuffled out, balancing his tray with the beer milkshake, waffles and chicken vindaloo on it. It just wasn't right. Mister Lister had been acting so…peculiar. He hadn't eaten for days, stopped drinking, and had just stayed in his quarters all the time, staring into space.  
  
But Mister Rimmer and Miss Kochanski were quite the opposite. They were always walking round together, laughing. He was always in her quarters, and buying her presents, taking her out. They both looked happier, younger, and had that look in their eyes that humans got when they were in…no. They couldn't be…they couldn't be. In…lov…in…llll…  
  
In love? THAT WAS IT! They were in love. Kryten was…confused. He was angry because she had made his precious mister Lister upset, but he was happy because now they wouldn't be marrying, throwing him out and having gelfs round for dinner. Since Kryten was still working on 'ambivalence' he decided to go with angry.  
  
* * *  
  
'You cheap space hussy!'  
  
'Kryten?'  
  
'You sad, lonely, desperate, ruthless, mean mean person!!!!!!!!'  
  
'Kryten, are you okay?'  
  
'No! I am not. You're so meeeeean!'  
  
'Why am I mean?'  
  
'Because of…because of Mister Lister…and you and Mister Rimmer.'  
  
'Oh…that.'  
  
'Yes! That!'  
  
'Kryten, let me explain…'  
  
'No I will not let you explain. I have to go and see Mister Lister.'  
  
'To fuss over him? Not leave him alone? I'm sure he can deal with a break up. He's a grown man Kryten, he doesn't need a crazy mother-hen android upsetting him.'  
  
'Well…well if you'll excuse me I have to go put my guilt chip back in…you…you…'  
  
'Mean space hussy?'  
  
'Exactly.'  
  
* * *  
  
When Rimmer went into Kochanski's quarters later that evening she was sitting on her bunk eating a tub of cottage cheese – full fat.  
  
'Hi.'  
  
'Oh, it's you…hi.'  
  
'Are…are you okay?'  
  
'No.'  
  
'Would you like to tell me why?'  
  
'Kryten.'  
  
'Kryten?'  
  
'And Todhunter, and Captain smegging Hollister, and Lister – and the coffee machine down the corridor.'  
  
'What?'  
  
'First Kryten came in after breakfast and called me a cheap space hussy, then Todhunter kept on ignoring me, Hollister asked me if I was okay a million times this morning, and Lister won't even speak to me.'  
  
Rimmer was confused. 'And the coffee machine?'  
  
'Didn't give me de-caff!' Kochanski started to cry.  
  
Rimmer sat down beside her, 'why are they all being funny with you?'  
  
'I don't know.' Kochanski said unconvincingly.  
  
'Yes you do.'  
  
'Because, I'm going out with you.'  
  
'Why does that make a difference.'  
  
'It…it just does. Lister has friends, and loads of people know that we're going out – but not all of them are happy with that.'  
  
Rimmer stared at her. 'Why not?'  
  
Kochanski sighed, 'Kryten doesn't like to see Dave upset, Todhunter has always liked me, you know that, he doesn't now. Hollister, well…'  
  
'Yes, I know what he thinks of me…go on.'  
  
'And Lister still hasn't accepted I don't want him any more.'  
  
'And the coffee machine?'  
  
'Said he'd run out of de-caff!'  
  
'Well if you want I can go fix that now…'  
  
'No, stay with me.' Kochanksi hugged him.  
  
'Okay.'  
  
'Arnold?'  
  
'Yes?'  
  
'You know in Titanic? Where Jack gives Rose his life-jacket, and when they're in the water and he lets her have the piece of wood to lie on so she won't freeze?'  
  
'Yes…'  
  
'Would you do that for me?'  
  
'No. I'd be too busy complaining to the Captain.'  
  
He saw her staring at him. 'I mean, yes, yes of course.'  
  
* * *  
  
The next morning Holly's face came onto the screen in Kochanski's quarters.  
  
'Alright dudes?'  
  
'Holly…it's not even half six yet.'  
  
'Yeh, but the captain wants to see you.'  
  
'What?'  
  
'About your exam res…'  
  
But Rimmer had leapt out of bed and was already getting dressed.  
  
'Do you know if I've passed? Because usually they just send me the letter saying I've failed.'  
  
'I don't know. But he wants Kochanski to go with you.'  
  
'Why me?' Kochanski had just woken up. 'It was Arnold's exam, not mine.'  
  
'All I know is he wants you both to go and see him. Gordon Bennett, is it really that complicated?'  
  
Holly left, and 5 minutes later Kochanski and Rimmer were waiting outside Hollister's office.'  
  
* * * * * *  
  
A.N – hope you liked it. Please review. 


	4. The officer's club

'O.K Rimmer, how'd you do it?'  
  
'How did I do what, sir?'  
  
'Pass the smegging exam.'  
  
'!!!!!!!'  
  
'Rimmer, Rimmer, I'm talking to you…stop jumping around!!'  
  
'Sorry sir…did I really pass?'  
  
'Yes, you did. Now how'd you do it? Did you cheat? To what…miracle do you credit you passing the astronavigation exam?'  
  
'Kochanski, sir.'  
  
Hollister turned to Kochanski, who was smiling at Rimmer, she knew he could do it.  
  
'Kristine, I am really, *really* disappointed in you.'  
  
'I'm sorry sir???'  
  
'Did you or did you not supply Rimmer with illegal learning drugs?'  
  
'What? Arnold passed the exam by himself, I helped him to revise but that was it.'  
  
'Oh.' Hollister looked surprised. 'Well Rimmer, I suppose… you're an officer.'  
  
But Rimmer had done his funny little dance and fainted.  
  
* * *  
  
'Do I look O.K?' Kochanski twirled around to show Rimmer her new dress.  
  
'You look stunning, you know you do!'  
  
'Are you sure?'  
  
'Yes! Do I look O.K?' Rimmer had bought a new suit but felt shabby compared to Kochanski.  
  
'What, you mean O.K for an officer?'  
  
Rimmer was taking Kochanski out for a meal to celebrate him becoming an officer. And he wasn't taking her to a fast food place, or for a pizza, they were going to the officer's club! Rimmer had dreamed of being an officer for so long…now it had come true. And it was all down to Kochanski.  
  
Walking down the corridor, Rimmer felt immensely proud that Kochanski was his girlfriend.  
  
'So are we talking the Mercedes or the Rolls?' Kochanski teased.  
  
'Even better, we're taking the lift.'  
  
'You know who you remind me of?' Kochanski said.  
  
'Who?'  
  
'James Bond! I've never seen you in a suit before, you look quite sexy.'  
  
'Like I don't normally?'  
  
* * *  
  
'I've booked a table for two, for 9 o'clock.'  
  
'Right this way sir.'  
  
Rimmer loved being an officer; two people had called him 'sir' already. He pulled a chair back for Kochanski and took her coat. She took the menu from the waiter and said something in Esperanto. The waiter nodded and walked off.  
  
'What did you say?'  
  
'I just ordered some drinks.'  
  
'In Esperanto?'  
  
'Yes, don't you speak…oh of course you don't! Sorry, I thought you knew.'  
  
'Knew what?'  
  
'That in the officers club we mostly speak Esperanto.'  
  
Rimmer went white, his chest seemed to seize up and he undid his top button. 'You…speak Esperanto here?'  
  
'Yes…'  
  
Rimmer took a deep breath.  
  
'Don't worry Arnold, I'll order for us…and you're only speaking to me.'  
  
'Oh, okay…' Rimmer felt fine now.  
  
There was a shout from another table, the Captain's table.  
  
'Kristine!'  
  
Kochanski seemed to know the man who was walking across to them.  
  
'Hi. Haven't seen you in ages. ' She blushed.  
  
'Kristine, just wondered if you'd like to come and join us?'  
  
'Well actually I'm having dinner with my boyfriend.'  
  
The man looked at Rimmer, 'Him? Oh well, bring him along. The more the merrier, eh?'  
  
'Oh, okay.' Kochanski stood up. The man went back to the Captain's table.  
  
'What the smeg are you doing Kristine?' Rimmer whispered.  
  
'It's rude not to, plus you can talk to the captain. Make a good impression.'  
  
'But I can't speak Esperanto.'  
  
'Oh.' Kochanski looked disappointed, 'but we can go over there anyway.'  
  
Before Rimmer could stop her, she was walking over to the Captain's table. Rimmer followed.  
  
He sat down next to Kochanski and looked around the table. Todhunter, the Captain, the bloke who had invited them over, and 5 other very important looking men.  
  
The conversation went on mainly in Esperanto, but Rimmer picked up bits of it. He was annoyed at Kochanski, this was meant to be their night, he had planned it all. Dinner, champagne, etc, etc. Then back to his quarters, Lister was out that night.  
  
When the waiter came to take their orders Rimmer was at a loss. He didn't understand anything on this damn menu. He ordered something, he didn't know what it was. When the Captain was in the middle of recalling a very long anecdote Kochanski leaned over to him.  
  
'Having fun?' She whispered.  
  
'What do you think?'  
  
'Are you annoyed with me?'  
  
'Yes.'  
  
'We'll have dinner another night.'  
  
And they had to leave it at that because the waiter came with their meals. Rimmer didn't know what he was eating, but it tasted all right. If only Todhunter and the Captain would stop giving him those weird looks.  
  
* * *  
  
The rest of the night went okay, but Kochanski and Rimmer walked back in silence. They stopped outside Kochanski's quarters. Kochanski was about to go in but Rimmer stopped her.  
  
'Kristine, I'm sorry about before, I wasn't annoyed with you. It's just I wanted it to be special.'  
  
'It *was* special – okay maybe it wasn't, but I promise I'll let you take me out to dinner again.'  
  
'Alright then.' Rimmer grinned. 'Don't I get a kiss?'  
  
'No.'  
  
'Why not?'  
  
'Because the meal you had, it was octopus testicles.'  
  
And she shut the door.  
  
Rimmer walked back to his quarters.  
  
Do octopuses *have* testicles??  
  
  
  
* * * * *  
  
A.N – Hope you liked, please review. Okay, nothing much happened there but next chapter will be more about Lister and the crew's reactions to them dating. Please tell me what you think. Good or bad. 


	5. Tragedy

A.N – Hope you like this, I wanted to put some mild slashy stuff into this chapter, but I am hopeless at writing it!  
  
* * *  
  
Kochanski was in the drive room, working.  
  
'Kristine…' It was the Captain.  
  
'Sir?'  
  
'Would you mind coming into my office to my office for a moment?'  
  
Kochanski followed Captain Hollister into his office and sat down.  
  
'I've being meaning to talk to you for a while now…would you like some coffee?'  
  
'No thanks.'  
  
Hollister went straight to the point. 'It's about Rimmer.'  
  
'Oh.'  
  
'So you two are going out together?'  
  
'Yes.'  
  
'Oh…you sure you wouldn't like some coffee?'  
  
'Are you trying to tell me something?'  
  
'Yes…and no.'  
  
'What's that supposed to mean?'  
  
'Well…as the Captain I can't tell you who to date. But as a friend – look, you know Rimmer isn't that popular.'  
  
'So?'  
  
'Well…' Hollister was looking uncomfortable. 'It won't help your career, you know that. And the other day, at dinner, some of the guys were a bit surprised that someone like you was going out with…Rimmer.'  
  
Kochanski stood up, opened her mouth to say something and just left.  
  
* * *  
  
'Pass me a 14B Lister.'  
  
Silence.  
  
'Pass me a 14B.'  
  
No reply.  
  
'Fine then.' Rimmer pushed past Lister and got a 14B. He then started to unblock the machine, aware of Lister's eyes staring at him.  
  
'Get over it Lister.'  
  
Silence.  
  
'You know why she broke up with you.'  
  
Silence.  
  
'Because I'm going places. I'm an officer now! I told you I'd be up the ziggurat, lickety-split.'  
  
'If you're an officer Rimmer, then why are you still un-blocking the chicken soup machine?'  
  
Rimmer was about to reply but Peterson came running down the corridor.  
  
'Hey! Lister! I am sooooo hungry.' He looked at Rimmer. 'I could just do with some Octopus testicles…mmmmm!'  
  
He ran off before Rimmer could remind him for the millionth time that he was an officer now and 'stupid remarks' like that could get him into deep trouble.  
  
Smeg knows how Peterson knew about the officer's club. But it was all round the ship. That, and the other piece of gossip - that he and Kochanski were going out together. Everyone was acting so weird around them both.  
  
Todhunter had 'accidentally' spilt coffee on Rimmer's new uniform yesterday. Everywhere he went people made stupid remarks or just ignored him. Today was worse than usual he decided, before he turned round and realised that Lister had buggered off.  
  
* * *  
  
Rimmer couldn't find Kochanski anywhere. He'd checked the drive room, his quarters, her quarters, the officer's club, and the bar – everywhere.  
  
He wandered into his quarters tired from running round since lunch.  
  
'Arnold?'  
  
Kochanski was sitting on the top bunk with her legs crossed.  
  
'Hi.' He was happy he had found her, he needed to talk to her.  
  
'You would not believe the day I've had.' She jumped down from the bunk and walked over to him.  
  
'Why, what happened?'  
  
'Everyone was mean to me, it's been happening for ages, but today Hollister talked to me.'  
  
'And?'  
  
'He said if I went out with you it could…he said it wasn't good for my career.'  
  
'What?'  
  
'Well…you know.'  
  
'No I don't know.' Rimmer was beginning to get angry, what did Hollister have to go sticking his nose in for?  
  
'All the officers know about the exams and things, they're a bit annoyed you passed. And they're angry that we're going out together.'  
  
'Why, why would they be angry? Okay, you're beautiful, sweet, intelligent, perfect, gorgeous…okay – I can see why they'd be annoyed, but we don't have to listen to them do we?'  
  
Kochanski put her arms around Rimmer, 'I suppose not, but it does make things hard.'  
  
Rimmer went over to his locker and pulled out some flowers. He handed them to Kochanski.  
  
'Aaah! What are they for?'  
  
'Our two week anniversary.'  
  
'You are so sweet! And they're my favourite.'  
  
' It's two weeks to the day that I found you sitting in my shower – and we kissed.'  
  
'And what time did we first have sex?'  
  
Rimmer laughed and pretended to be surprised as he glanced at his watch…'Oh, now actually!'  
  
Kochanski smiled her 'pinball' smile. 'Then don't you think we should celebrate it?'  
  
* * *  
  
'Hey buddy!' It was 10 o'clock in the morning and already Cat had had sex with someone. He loved being on Red Dwarf with all the crew again.  
  
Lister turned over in bed.  
  
'Hey! Monkey!'  
  
Lister groaned. 'What do you want?'  
  
'Food.'  
  
'Go to the smegging vending machines.'  
  
'Oh, okay. Hey – where's goalpost head?'  
  
'He's not a hologram, that was the other Rimmer.'  
  
'He's still a smeghead.' Cat admired his reflection in the mirror.  
  
'True. I wish he *were* dead though. He's probably with Krissy.'  
  
'In her quarters?' Cat knew exactly how to make things worse.  
  
'Probably.'  
  
'Having sex?'  
  
'Smeg off Cat.'  
  
'Okay – I'll go see if Officer Bud-Babe has finished having sex.' Cat said, casually. 'Then I'll see if she wants to have sex with me!'  
  
Lister chucked a pillow at the Cat, who dodged it. 'Too slow! Too slow monkey!'  
  
* * *  
  
Both Kochanski and Rimmer had a day off. Rimmer had meticulously planned it right down to the last detail.  
  
'Okay – If we get up at 8, then we can have sex 'till 9. Then we have breakfast at 9.28 – 9.40. Followed by more sex. Then we see a film – then we have lunch. Then we have more sex, then we go shopping, then more sex, then I take you out for dinner, and hopefully some more sex. Okay?'  
  
'That's fine Arnold – but you didn't have to draw up a timetable!'  
  
They both had fun that day – even if they didn't stick to the timetable.  
  
But when Rimmer came to pick up Kochanski for their meal – they met Lister.  
  
'Oh! It's you is it, off on your date- to the officer's club.' Lister was obviously very drunk.  
  
'Yes actually we are Lister. See you later.'  
  
'Dave, you're drunk.' Kochanski could smell the beer on his breath.  
  
'I'm not.' Lister nearly fell over.  
  
'Yes you are. You're plastered.'  
  
'I am not pished!'  
  
Rimmer took Kochanski's arm and moved towards the stairs. 'Come on, we're going to be late.'  
  
Lister laughed. 'Late for your officer chums?' Rimmer completely missed the sarcasm.  
  
'Yes. Now if you'll excuse us…'  
  
Lister walked over to Kochanski, 'Why are you going out with him? Him of all people. Come on.' He took her hand. 'We can make it work.'  
  
'No we can't. Go away Lister.' Kochanski pushed him back.  
  
Lister shook his head in disbelief. 'After all we've gone through together, is that all I get? 'Smeg off Lister?' Thanks…' He started drunkenly singing a love song he had written for her. And then he pushed her – and as she backed away she fell down the stairs behind her.  
  
Looking back on it, Rimmer could remember every detail. Him watching her fall – helpless. Lister laughing – drunk and not realising what was happening. Her – screaming.  
  
But the thing Rimmer remembered most vividly, was her lifeless body. Lying there on the floor – a pool of dark red blood circling her head like a halo. 


	6. Better than reality

A.N – This is the last one. It was my first fan-fiction so it probably wasn't that good – but when I have an idea I will write some more stuff.  
  
* * *  
  
Rimmer sat by Kochnanski's side. She was in the medi-bay. He couldn't bear to see her - dying.  
  
'Kristine…I know you're going to pull through this. I know you will. You have to.'  
  
It had been 2 weeks since the accident. And Rimmer had gone through hell. Kochanski was in a coma, and there had been no change in her condition. The doctors didn't know what would happen. They had tried to tell Rimmer that she had a slim chance of surviving, but Rimmer refused to accept it.  
  
Rimmer looked around the room. Flowers were everywhere. Cards, chocolates. All the usual things you send to a sick person. But no-one realised that she wasn't sick. She was dying. Slowly, but surely she was slipping away. Rimmer noticed a 'get well soon' card by a bunch of flowers. He looked again at her lifeless body. Lying there in white sheets.  
  
He took her hand. 'I love you Kristine, more than I have ever loved anyone, ever. I can't imagine life without you.'  
  
He paused, as if expecting an answer. Tears trickled down his tired face. He hadn't left her bedside for more than an hour or two since the accident.  
  
'Kristine, I know you probably can't hear me. But I want to ask you something. I love you more than anything – and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I wanted to have children with you, and I wanted us to have grandchildren together, and I wanted to grow old with you. But, we know that can't happen. But I'm always going to love you, and remember you. Whatever happens.'  
  
Rimmer knelt down by her side and took her hand.  
  
'Kristine – will you marry me?'  
  
And just for a second, her eyes flickered open. And she looked at him. And he knew she meant yes. She didn't have to say anything.  
  
Rimmer wiped a tear from his eye and kissed her  
  
He smoothed her hair, and what happened next seemed like hours to Rimmer, but it only lasted a few minutes. She died. She stopped breathing and just slipped away. Rimmer watched her chest stop moving. Then her hand went limp. But Rimmer knew she was at peace.  
  
Rimmer watched her for a moment; over come with sadness such as he had never felt before.  
  
Then sorrow turned into anger. He ran from the room, all the way down to the Captain's office.  
  
'Rimmer.'  
  
'Kochanski has died, the only person in the world who I have ever loved, and who has ever loved me has just died.'  
  
'Rimmer…'  
  
'What have you done? Nothing! You've just sat on your great fat arse and let it all happen, and Lister's going to get away with it all. He pushed her. He did it. And she's dead! She's…dead.'  
  
Rimmer collapsed into a chair, not knowing whether to be angry or upset.  
  
'Rimmer, listen to me.'  
  
'No! What can you do? You can't bring her back, you can't change anything.'  
  
'Yes I can Rimmer.'  
  
'What are you going to do? You can't bring her back as a hologram because there's already one on board.'  
  
The captain got up and shut the office door. 'What I am about to tell you is strictly confidential. No one else on this ship apart from me knows – understand?'  
  
Rimmer nodded. The Captain leant forward in his chair. 'There's a game. A total, total immersion A.R game. But it's not just a game Rimmer.'  
  
'I don't get you.'  
  
'Once you are in the game you can't return. Even if you know you are in the game and want to get out.'  
  
Rimmer nodded again. The Captain continued. 'It's called Better Than Reality. And was developed by the same people who made Better Than Life. But there's a difference between the two. With Better Than Life your brain was connected to the game – and eventually your body withered away and died. But with Better Than Reality it's not your body – but your personality disk that is connected to the machine.'  
  
'So if we used Kristine's personality disk, and my personality disk. Then we could be together.'  
  
'Yes.'  
  
'But…I'd have to die too.'  
  
'Yes.'  
  
Rimmer put his head in his hands.  
  
'Think about it Rimmer.'  
  
* * *  
  
1 Rimmer walked into Kochanski's room in the medi-bay – where the doctor was disconnecting the life-support machine.  
  
'Could I…could I have just 5 minutes?' The doctor nodded and shut the door as he left. Rimmer sat down by the bed.  
  
'We're going to be together Kristine. Forever.'  
  
And he took a small box out of his pocket and opened it. He slipped the diamond ring onto her wedding finger.  
  
'I love you.' He stroked her hair, and kissed her cheek. Then he left.  
  
* * *  
  
The Captain walked down to the A.R suite, and unlocked the door that was marked 'private.' He walked over to the machine, and looked at the two personality disks he had held in his hand.  
  
'Well Arnold, he said as he turned on the machine on. 'Goodbye.  
  
And Kristine, I shouldn't be doing this, but for you…' He paused. 'Goodbye.'  
  
And he put the two disks into the machine and walked away.  
  
  
  
A.N – Hope you liked, I hope I explained it okay – I couldn't write it the way I wanted to…I wanted to make it better. Oh well…that is the last one. Please review, or flame! But it makes it much easier for me if you just give me an O.K review rather than an evil one. Because then I won't have to track you down and maim you!  
  
*evil laugh* Only joking. 


End file.
